Is This Really the Path?  

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So you’re a Nurse and have come to the conclusion that maybe you picked the wrong field. Bedside nursing is handing you your buttcheeks and scrambling the bit of brain you have retained since embarking on your Nursing Journey. I was there. I worked with someone in Public Safety who encouraged me to take a look at the career and consider if I was a good fit. At the time, I had recently had my oldest daughter, which was a transformative experience for me. I felt emboldened, empowered, and fearless. Prior to giving birth, professionally, I was a timid, overly self-critical, small version of myself. Personally, I have a bit of a firecracker personality but professionally, I have always struggled with impostor syndrome. I didn’t believe in myself, and sold myself short on my capabilities. However, giving birth to my oldest and doing what MANY, MANY people said couldn’t be done made me realize two things. 1. Tell me I can’t do something and I will do it SO HARD. In your FACE! 2. I am capable. If I set my mind to something, I can and will achieve it, even if it takes time and sacrifice.  

Unfortunately, one BIG hurdle that made me feel uneasy but that I ignored is that I, dear friends, am what some might call scatter brained. I am simultaneously an over-organized/Type A1 planner/flash cards/ contingency plan for my contingency plan kinda gal and the kinda gal who would forget her head if it wasn’t connected to the top of her shoulders. I have frantically raced around my house looking for my cell phone before an appt, only to figure out that It’s in my hands and I am speaking directly into it while I am searching. This chaotic energy is compounded when I am under stress.  I had concerns that I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure in emergency situations. Guess what happened? I pushed through nursing school, crushed my classes and testing, crushed the NCLEX, interviewed for a Medsurg position, was lined up for CCU and ED interviews but decided that I wanted to start with the easier assignment, so I could learn the ropes.  

While I have no doubt that Medsurg is lower acuity and ED or CCU, I vastly overestimated the ease of this position. Y’all, people are SICK these days. Everyone is a total assist, on dozens of potentially interacting medications, has several chronic debilitating conditions, and my setting was chronically understaffed. It wasn’t uncommon to turn an entire 6-7 person assignment in a shift and by the end of the day, I couldn’t remember much about anybody beyond what was written on my report sheets. Around 3 months after starting my Medsurg gig, I was having a career choice crisis. I started to come out of that around 6 months in, which was January of 2020. I’m sure you see where this is going. I had finally developed the confidence and sense that I SORT OF knew what I was doing when Covid punched us directly in the face. We were frequently floated to different units, which left me without my crew and the support that comes with CNAs and fellow RNs who know and love you, and are happy to lend a helping hand because they know you will gladly do the same. While a majority of time was on my home unit, I was floated to the oncology unit and, sometimes to the step-down unit from critical care. I did not feel qualified for either of these assignments. There were days I cried of fear and despair over the state of my very ill patients and my feeling of being afloat in a sea without any resources. There were several deeply impactful events that happened, which gave me a sense of moral injury. This ultimately drove me to a state of crisis, where I knew I had to leave or I would ruin myself and, potentially, my family.  

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When I left, I felt like a failure. The mentality in Nursing school and many fellow nurses is that the real nurses do bedside nursing. Clinic, Case Management, Plastic surgery, none of that is real nursing. The more tired, unhinged, and feral you are, the more real you are. My 2 years in acute care left me with a foul mouth, a too frequent penchant for alcohol, and severe anxiety. When I finally left, I felt like I had barely retained any of who I was. I had made the career change to Nursing and was giving up 2 years in. What did that make me?  

I am so glad I didn’t listen to that nonsense. If this is you, have faith that you have what it takes! Just like there are many different types of Artists, Musicians, Mechanics, Educators, there are many different types of Nurses. I commend the Veteran nurses who have spent their entire career in the trenches of acute care. But I am the wrong kind of crazy for that! The chest pain and panic attacks in the med room were becoming a bit debilitating and my best friends knew that it wasn’t unfathomable to catch me in the midst of a mental breakdown at any given time during a shift. My tendency to analyze every single vital sign, symptom, complaint of innocuous symptoms lead me to disturbed sleep, constant stress of trying to control uncontrollable situations, and grief at what I knew was insufficient care. It was very distressing. However, the same personality traits that made me a HORRIBLE MedSurg nurse, made me a great Patient Educator and now a Nurse Case Manager. Your analytical mind and tendency to look at the details are not weaknesses; they are superpowers when leveraged in the right setting.  

If you are a new nurse or a seasoned nurse who is burnt out, tired of being angry and relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms to get through or recover from your work, I would encourage you to look at your options. There are so many possibilities in the field of Nursing. All Nursing is real Nursing. Life is too short to do things that make you miserable. If you’re having chest pain at work, or God Forbid, at home while lazing on the couch, it’s time to make a change.  

It’s scary to step away from your best friends and launch into the unknown. We are trauma bonded and they are lifelong friends who I will always cherish. But I don’t ever regret my decision to leave. Instead, I meet my besties for lunch walks, meals or snacks out, and annual Christmas parties to celebrate together. Friendship is not a reason to stay in a place that slowly kills your soul.  

Take a look at your options. You are not stuck. You didn’t make a mistake. You just need to pivot and find your fit. So take a few minutes, get a journal, jot down what you love about your work. Then look at non-traditional nursing roles or browse your local job posting site and consider your options. I’m not sure who coined this phrase but I recently heard a podcast episode of ChooseFi with a guest named Jamila Souffrant and she said something that I really love and will carry forward with me. “Where there is one, you can be two. And where there are none, you can be one”.  That is such a beautiful sentiment, and I have proven that to myself many times over. Our brain is the single greatest limiting factor in life. If we are audacious enough to make lofty goals, we will surprise ourselves with the strides we make. 

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